Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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