Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize