Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
