I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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