Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
