He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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