Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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