I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
