I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
