dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
