just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
