I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
