I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
