don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
