She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
