So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
