need another drink. this is the easiest way
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
