she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
