Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
