i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The ass gains better be worth it
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