I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
