bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
