im six kinds of drunk right now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
