do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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