I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
