i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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