Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
