Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
