i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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