so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
