Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
