I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
