Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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