:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
