Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
