Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
