I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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