I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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