my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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