Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god it's open bar.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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