i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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