My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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