First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
