Come see our sink grown plant.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
