He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
