You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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