Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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