lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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