my phone needs a breathalizer
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
