both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
